1. The best way to know when your asparagus is done is when you’re bored and don’t want to wait to eat it.
2. Breast cancer is a made of suck disease that attacks one of my very favourite organs of ladies.
3. Albert Einstien was a Physicist. Not a quotation generation machine.
4. Dora, you’re weird. You’re a toddler, you should be inside.
5. Doctor pepper ten. It’s not for women. It’s for apparently, misogynists.
6. Hank, if you could be an athlete, who would you be? This would challenge Hank’s ability to name an athlete.
7. The venn diagram of boys who don’t like smart girls and boys you don’t wanna date is a circle.
8. There are going to be some people in your life who do not wanna kiss you.
9. When I was a kid, I believed that the definition of “Rich” was that you had stairs in your house.
10. Oh my god, I am a banana.
11. Whenever I would bring a girlfriend home, mom would show her my baby pictures and say, “Look at that tiny penis! When he came out of my body, I was like are you sure that’s a boy?” and I would call up Mad Eye Moody and be like, “I’m gonna need a disillusionment charm. ASAP.”
12. I don’t wanna film the yeti because I think her cute will break the camera.
13. I am very bad at video games, but I’m very passionate about them.
14. If you’re not the person giving birth, it’s time for you to say “You’re doing awesome!” and then faint.
15. Hank, I’ve been thinking about this. What is keeping you from being the next Justin Beiber.
16. Whenever you’re furious with your parents, just remember that you vomited on them, and they kept you.
17. Next you’ll tell me that six to the fifth power is not four.
18. Fishing boat proceeds are the unicorn of my tax returns!
19. I’m very lazy, not that I don’t work hard, but I don’t move much.
20. Even though my baby is gonna have a doofus for a dad, he’s gonna have an awesome mom. And an awesome Uncle Hank and Aunt Katherine.
short list of actors who have not won an oscar:
- james dean
- johnny depp
- brad pitt
- helena bonham carter
- robert downey jr
- glenn close
- will smith
- samuel l jackson
- liam neeson
- sigourney weaver
- tom cruise
- julianne moore
- ralph fiennes
- laura linney
- ed harris
- gary oldman
now will you please for the love of christ shut up about leonardo dicaprio
littlemorningbirds asked: I've seen your comments on twitter and Facebook and feel like I am more anonymous on those sites than here. Sir, Twilight is made fun of because it glorifies very bad things. It takes horrible things like stalking, self harm and suicide, abusive tendencies, wanting to murder someone, and a loss of self identity in place of your significant other's identity and makes them seem beautiful and romantic. I beg you to read the books, because there is a lot of very bad stuff in them.
I hope I can be clear about this, but my thoughts all day have been a bit muddled, so I apologize if I express myself poorly or come off as defensive or anything.
1. There are deeply problematic relationship dynamics glorified in Twilight.
2. Criticizing misogyny in art is good and important.
3. My concern is that popular work by women receives far more vitriolic criticism from the public (like, in terms of number of demeaning jokes made by Jay Leno*) than popular work created by men.
4. So I think we’re talking about two different kinds of criticism: The totally legitimate criticism we see in literary journals and feminist web sites about misogyny, and the demeaning and dismissive this-sucks-because-teen-girls-like-it-and-everyone-knows-that-teen-girls-are-not-fully-human criticism we see in popular culture.
5. Also, I would like to see equal attention given to the sexism in popular work by men, from Nicholas Sparks to for instance J. D. Salinger. Catcher in the Rye—although I like it very much—is profoundly and disturbingly misogynistic and yet seems to get a critical pass both online and off. This happens a lot, I think, with books by men, and I don’t want male writers (including me!) to get that pass.
6. I might be wrong about any/all of this. I’m wrong a lot, and always trying to learn.
*EDIT: Apparently Jay Leno has retired. You learn something new every day.